Fear

May 06, 2016

Throughout my life, I’ve always been held back by fear. Fear of failing, fear of being ridiculed, fear of being insignificant. This fear held me back as a child to do creative things, to find friends, to be myself. Throughout school it held me back to express my identity, to share what I enjoyed. At university, it held me back by making me apologetic to what I thought was important and what bothered me. At work it held me back by not voicing my opinion on issues that had to be resolved. It made me bitter and introverted. It has held me back on writing and sharing what I think and feel. One of key fears is the fear of being ridiculed. This is the most paralyzing fear to me, it kept me small, silent and frustrated.

Over the past couple of years I’ve tried to push back this fear. I try to be open and vulnerable to the people around me. When people ask me how I feel, I give them an open honest opinion, I don’t lie or shun to say what I really mean. When my colleagues ask for an opinion on their performance, I give my honest opinion. If I think someone can do better or is doing work that’s less fit to them, I’ll tell them that, but I always explain why I say what I mean. Saying ‘it sucks’ doesn’t help, saying ‘this could be better, I think you can improve on it that way’, does help however. When people ask me what I enjoy, I don’t hide to express what I think and enjoy. I have a couple of less common hobbies and unusual opinions, they make me who I am today.

So, this fear has also kept me from putting these stories I wrote online. While I’m still not entirely comfortable with putting my things online for the world to see, I’m confident and comfortable enough to offer it to other people to read it. I’m now also confident to voice my opinions in various ways, one of which is through these blog posts. What I say and write is what I think and believe. I still strongly separate the things I do professionally from the things I do privately, but they both represent who I am.

This wasn’t an easy path to follow. First, I put these stories online anonymously, then I put some of my code online, which was more uncomfortable; putting my name to these stories, that was really hard. They are a very personal expression of me, the whole thing was a rollercoaster to create. But I overcame those fears, put myself out there and became a better person because of it.

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